Arsene's Christmas List

Dear Santa Claus, I would appreciate it very much if you could please bring these presents for all the good boys and girls at Highbury, and for those who visit here from time to time:

For Dennis Bergkamp, a cycling helmet. I keep telling him, jump for the ball Dennis, try to head it, but he never does. I think maybe he expects to hurt himself, although of course it could be just his fear of flying.

For Oleg Luzhny, a portfolio of those photographs you see in a local barber's shop. Oleg has this habit of combing his hair in such a way as to make sure that his fringe is absolutely straight. I cannot play him regularly, because he is putting off some of the other players who keep laughing ( although of course not to his face.) I think perhaps he need to try a different style. There is a barber called Nick in Hornsey High St. who has a picture of Vanilla Ice. Try to include this.

For Neil Ruddock a special gift. We would hate for him to be uncomfortable when West Ham return to Highbury. It is not so nice to have to put up with the stinky breath of a frog or big mouthfuls of grolly. Perhaps some form of face protection will help Neil. I remember seeing a film called The Elephant Man which reminded me very much of Ruddock. One of those big hoods with a single eye socket will save Ruddock any further pain. And it will save 38,000 spectators the nausea usually brought on by the sight of this player's face, which is much like an Elephant's peri-anal region.

For Alex Ferguson, some tracksuit bottoms with drawstrings around the ankles. To be fair, this not only saves the incontinent old bugger any embarrassment, but our cleaning staff had a hell of a time cleaning his seat in the dug-out last time he visited.

For Phil Stamp, a late 80's Arsenal replica shirt with a number 12 and the word Groves on the back. That way, he will be warmly applauded next time he is warming up as a substitute for Middlesborough next time they come to Highbury.

For Bobby Robson and Graham Taylor, a video of Alan Shearer's greatest moments - getting fellow professionals sent off, stamping on prostrate players and moaning to referees over every decision which goes against him or his team-mates ...ever. Having watched this video, the two former national managers may find that the terms England Captain and Total Wanker are not always mutually exclusive